Little Girl Lost-Charmed Fic
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters...
Little girl lost
A little girl lost. A little girl that got lost. This is what I have always thought I was to spare myself the guilt and the trouble. I was never any good at that. Joy, optimism, social life. I was good at that and at some point in my life that was all I did. I wanted to live my life to the extreme.
So , a little girl lost. The only problem is that I am not a little girl anymore. I turned 28 in November. I canÂ’t even believe it myself. But what I can believe the least is that most of these years, IÂ’ve let them pass me by without ever letting my sisters know how much I love them and how much they mean to me.
Here I am lying on the bed in my room. The same room I have had ever since I was born. I am curled up like a fist, in the exact way I would always do whenever I was scolded, as a child.
Somehow it feels like nothing has changed from back then. Like I am a careless, annoying child. But deep in my heart, I know that everything is different. Everything has changed. Everything has changed for the worse. And I feel like there is nothing I can do. I know I have been wrong in the past. Repeatedly. And I know that often, I was not the only one to bear the consequences of my actions.
And that hurts the most. Knowing that your selfishness and stubbornness has hurt the people you love. Without your wanting it. I have never wanted to hurt my sisters or my grandmother. All I have ever wanted was a chance. A chance with my mother. But I was denied that opportunity right from the start. For my mother died before I was old enough to remember her.
So, I never knew her. And I felt so sad not being able to have and share happy, childhood memories. Family memories. I was never part of a normal family. My mother died and my father left us. He just took off. All I was left with was a grandmother filled with bitterness and too consumed by her grief to notice mine, and two sisters who were not old enough to comprehend the extent 9of my sorrow and console me. I donÂ’t blame them. Not consciously anyway.
I know they did what they thought was best and most of the times they were right. You could probably say it wasnÂ’t that bad. And you would be right. You would be close to the truth. It wasn't that bad. They were always there above me to correct my mistakes and lead me to the good path again. But without wanting it, they had rendered me weak and insecure. You see they made all my choices for me, before I could have the chance to make them myself.
I am sure now that they were the right choices but in this way I never learned to make my own choices. To distinguish right from wrong completely successfully. Come to think of it maybe this is why I have been so susceptible to evil.
They say children mature their way into adulthood. They mature as they grow older, learning form their mistakes. And I believe that. I also know I am not fully mature yet. How could I ever be mature, since it involves learning from your mistakes? Till my late teens I wasnÂ’t even allowed to make a mistake, let alone rationalizing it and learning a lesson from it. They made my decisions for me and for that sometimes I became impulsive hurrying to make a decision so that no one lese would have the chance to make it for me! Maybe that is why they thought I was frivolous and superficial.
Is that an excuse for everything IÂ’ve done?
No! Absolutely not! My old self would have given me a break, thinking clichιs like “We all make mistakes”. But not the new me! The new me sees clearly through all that.
I have given myself one too many breaks and opportunities and I have blown every single one of them. I let my bitterness and anger for not having a real family overcome me. Just take over me without thinking about the cost. To me, my grandmother or my sisters.
It wasnÂ’t their fault I was in pain. I didnÂ’t come with instructions on how to raise your baby sister!
So they were as much in the dark as I was. The only thing is that I was swallowed in that darkness. I let it consume me and did wild things. Things that got me into trouble, just to feel alive. Only to feel that just because I was not in a normal family didnÂ’t mean I couldnÂ’t fit it or enjoy life like everybody else.
I wanted to feel the rush, my emotions just pounding in my head. All I wanted to do was feel and stop thinking. Because thinking drove me insane. I couldnÂ’t stand the voice of reason in me. It wasnÂ’t welcome. The moment I started hearing it, I left. I left the manor leaving my sisters behind.
But did I do any better away from them? No, I didnÂ’t.
The voice inside my head, my conscience still judged me and I couldnÂ’t escape. So, I came back, I came back to unfold our destiny. A destiny intertwined with the world of magic. Powers we had to use to help the innocent and uphold goodness in the world. But how could I uphold the goodness inside of me?
My emotions would always take the better of me.
When he appeared, I fell for him so utterly and completely that I shut the world out. I created my own little world, where only him and I existed.
Often I put him above my sisters, calling it love.
Now I know it was mixed with obsession, so it wasnÂ’t healthy.
God, it wasnÂ’t healthy. But I realized it too late. This love has cost my older sisterÂ’s life. Prue. I lived her so much. She said she would always be there to take care of me and though she had never asked me to do the same for her, I know I should have. She needed it. She was more fragile and vulnerable than she let show and I let that trick me. I left her alone with my other sister and she died.
Nobody blamed me for that but God knows I blame myself. It is not like I could have done anything better confronted with Shaks. But I would feel better if I had been there beside her at her moment of death.
Here I go again! “I would feel better”!. It is always about me, isn’t it?. Still, maybe it would have meant something for her too having me there. I have never forgotten her love, her protection, her smile and those sad grey-blue eyes of hers seeing right through me. She will always remain in my heart.
Paige, my newly found sister sometimes reminds me of her. ItÂ’s not just her eyes or her smile.. I think it is the way, though the youngest, she has taken charge.
She has taken seriously her role as our sister.
I can feel her love always with me. When we first met I think she was afraid of us, afraid of what we had become, afraid of what PrueÂ’s death had done to us. Piper was consumed by grief and did anything that would cross my mind just to keep myself from thinking.
Thinking of the mistakes I had made and their terrible consequences.
Little girl lost
A little girl lost. A little girl that got lost. This is what I have always thought I was to spare myself the guilt and the trouble. I was never any good at that. Joy, optimism, social life. I was good at that and at some point in my life that was all I did. I wanted to live my life to the extreme.
So , a little girl lost. The only problem is that I am not a little girl anymore. I turned 28 in November. I canÂ’t even believe it myself. But what I can believe the least is that most of these years, IÂ’ve let them pass me by without ever letting my sisters know how much I love them and how much they mean to me.
Here I am lying on the bed in my room. The same room I have had ever since I was born. I am curled up like a fist, in the exact way I would always do whenever I was scolded, as a child.
Somehow it feels like nothing has changed from back then. Like I am a careless, annoying child. But deep in my heart, I know that everything is different. Everything has changed. Everything has changed for the worse. And I feel like there is nothing I can do. I know I have been wrong in the past. Repeatedly. And I know that often, I was not the only one to bear the consequences of my actions.
And that hurts the most. Knowing that your selfishness and stubbornness has hurt the people you love. Without your wanting it. I have never wanted to hurt my sisters or my grandmother. All I have ever wanted was a chance. A chance with my mother. But I was denied that opportunity right from the start. For my mother died before I was old enough to remember her.
So, I never knew her. And I felt so sad not being able to have and share happy, childhood memories. Family memories. I was never part of a normal family. My mother died and my father left us. He just took off. All I was left with was a grandmother filled with bitterness and too consumed by her grief to notice mine, and two sisters who were not old enough to comprehend the extent 9of my sorrow and console me. I donÂ’t blame them. Not consciously anyway.
I know they did what they thought was best and most of the times they were right. You could probably say it wasnÂ’t that bad. And you would be right. You would be close to the truth. It wasn't that bad. They were always there above me to correct my mistakes and lead me to the good path again. But without wanting it, they had rendered me weak and insecure. You see they made all my choices for me, before I could have the chance to make them myself.
I am sure now that they were the right choices but in this way I never learned to make my own choices. To distinguish right from wrong completely successfully. Come to think of it maybe this is why I have been so susceptible to evil.
They say children mature their way into adulthood. They mature as they grow older, learning form their mistakes. And I believe that. I also know I am not fully mature yet. How could I ever be mature, since it involves learning from your mistakes? Till my late teens I wasnÂ’t even allowed to make a mistake, let alone rationalizing it and learning a lesson from it. They made my decisions for me and for that sometimes I became impulsive hurrying to make a decision so that no one lese would have the chance to make it for me! Maybe that is why they thought I was frivolous and superficial.
Is that an excuse for everything IÂ’ve done?
No! Absolutely not! My old self would have given me a break, thinking clichιs like “We all make mistakes”. But not the new me! The new me sees clearly through all that.
I have given myself one too many breaks and opportunities and I have blown every single one of them. I let my bitterness and anger for not having a real family overcome me. Just take over me without thinking about the cost. To me, my grandmother or my sisters.
It wasnÂ’t their fault I was in pain. I didnÂ’t come with instructions on how to raise your baby sister!
So they were as much in the dark as I was. The only thing is that I was swallowed in that darkness. I let it consume me and did wild things. Things that got me into trouble, just to feel alive. Only to feel that just because I was not in a normal family didnÂ’t mean I couldnÂ’t fit it or enjoy life like everybody else.
I wanted to feel the rush, my emotions just pounding in my head. All I wanted to do was feel and stop thinking. Because thinking drove me insane. I couldnÂ’t stand the voice of reason in me. It wasnÂ’t welcome. The moment I started hearing it, I left. I left the manor leaving my sisters behind.
But did I do any better away from them? No, I didnÂ’t.
The voice inside my head, my conscience still judged me and I couldnÂ’t escape. So, I came back, I came back to unfold our destiny. A destiny intertwined with the world of magic. Powers we had to use to help the innocent and uphold goodness in the world. But how could I uphold the goodness inside of me?
My emotions would always take the better of me.
When he appeared, I fell for him so utterly and completely that I shut the world out. I created my own little world, where only him and I existed.
Often I put him above my sisters, calling it love.
Now I know it was mixed with obsession, so it wasnÂ’t healthy.
God, it wasnÂ’t healthy. But I realized it too late. This love has cost my older sisterÂ’s life. Prue. I lived her so much. She said she would always be there to take care of me and though she had never asked me to do the same for her, I know I should have. She needed it. She was more fragile and vulnerable than she let show and I let that trick me. I left her alone with my other sister and she died.
Nobody blamed me for that but God knows I blame myself. It is not like I could have done anything better confronted with Shaks. But I would feel better if I had been there beside her at her moment of death.
Here I go again! “I would feel better”!. It is always about me, isn’t it?. Still, maybe it would have meant something for her too having me there. I have never forgotten her love, her protection, her smile and those sad grey-blue eyes of hers seeing right through me. She will always remain in my heart.
Paige, my newly found sister sometimes reminds me of her. ItÂ’s not just her eyes or her smile.. I think it is the way, though the youngest, she has taken charge.
She has taken seriously her role as our sister.
I can feel her love always with me. When we first met I think she was afraid of us, afraid of what we had become, afraid of what PrueÂ’s death had done to us. Piper was consumed by grief and did anything that would cross my mind just to keep myself from thinking.
Thinking of the mistakes I had made and their terrible consequences.
Page created: November 16th 2004 11:13 PM
